Give the Right Fucks

Give the Right Fucks

I tried writing this blog post without the f-word and it just wasn’t the same. There is something about the word “fuck” that connotates a weightiness, and truthfully a hilarity, that can’t be replicated by any other word. But, in deference to my mother, my mentors and my faith I have decided to use an asterisk in place of the “u” so that if you choose you can read this essay as “Not Giving A Fock”.

But if that doesn’t work for you….just don’t fucking read it.)

I often use my daily walk with the dog to reflect on the day, my family, theology, or whatever else comes to mind. Lately I’ve been considering my hopes, dreams, and goals. The upcoming arrival of my next life decade has really encouraged me to dig deep into personal desires. What do I want for this next phase of my life? My kids are in school, I have moments of time on my hands for the first time in ages, and I can finally look inward a bit.

 While tumbling through those thoughts the phase “No F*cks To Give” came to mind. It struck me that I could honestly proclaim, for the first time in my life, that I don’t give a f*ck what other people think about me.

I was flooded with liberation. Freedom from the judgement and expectations of others. Finally! After years and years of making decision based on unnecessary opinions, insecurities, and other people’s expectations I am finally feeling released. This is what mid-life is all about: Not giving a f*ck!

It wasn’t two minutes later I paused: I was lying to myself. I do give a f*ck what some people think. I care about my husband’s opinion. And it matters how my kids perceive me. There are select people in my life whose opinions really matter. I realized that key was not “Giving No F*cks” but actually “Giving the Right F*cks.”

So strolling through our little mid-town neighborhood I came up with the following lists:

F*cks I Give

-       How my husband, children, family and closest friends perceive me

-       That I have strong, moral character

-       And that my actions display and uphold that character

-       That my faith is the leading force in my life

F*cks I Don’t Give

-       What strangers on the internet think of me

-       The opinions of people in my life who don’t know my character, my story, my values, or intentions

-       The judgements and opinions of other parents who don’t know, love or understand my children

-       The perceived understanding of my faith based on horrible examples, media coverage, or outright lies

-       Societal expectations of me

It’s so catchy to proclaim that we “don’t give a f*ck” but the danger in that sentiment is that it lets us off the hook. It’s an excuse to act however our emotions and whims demand, rather that to act rightly, with integrity and moral conviction. But on the flip side, we often give way too many f*cks about things that we need to let go of and release. We hold onto things that bog us down, and sometimes even drown us. And the tragedy is that those burdens aren’t even ours to hold. My advice is to look at your life, make a list, and decide to give a f*ck about the right things, and let go of the rest.